Fritz the Cat

Germans. Why did it have to be Germans?

We all know that the craziest white people on the planet are from the Ukraine but how are we with Germans? Now, I believe we all see eye-to-eye with Nazi beer hall putsch killing Jews and invading Poland Germans. We’re against them. Those guys were turbo-assholes and I’m glad that the pride of York Pennsylvania Dwight the Ike Eisenhower laid down the thunder on those schnitzel eating pukes. The problem with Germans that pestered our grandfathers with bullets and blitzkriegs is that to give them the boot nowadays makes us look like turds.

They seem to be naturally talented people. They build a hell of a car and know a thing or two about precision tools and philosophy. Aside from their whacky pornography and electronic music, the average German is nothing more than a non-tipping tourist coming to over populate out national parks. I’m generally more afraid of being trampled by a band of senior citizens from Munich than bears anytime I go to Yellowstone and so should you. Germans can’t drive worth a damn in the States.

In fairness before I write the next couple of graphs, let’s say a few nice words about Germans abroad. They dress nice, sound funny when they struggle with our language and know how to make exact change. They have a wide-eyed view of the world that is jovial and perfectly condescending. The kind of aw-shucks pompous bewilderment that God could curse other people for not being born German.

Besides that, their beer is pretty good and I usually get pretty drunk at Octoberfest.

Your average Kraut is good for only a couple of things and most of those things involve human poop. But every now and then they’ll surprise you and I had a hell of a surprise Wednesday night.

I was graced by a lovely chap that sounded like an extra from Hogan’s Heroes. He was chubby, loud and snorted when he laughed. Full of advice on love and life, I found myself strangely attracted to the monster. His laughter was infectious. Loud, booming and honest. The kind of laughter that you wish you could muster under a random circumstance. He regaled me with stories of his family and his adventures. He wrote a book on cleaning industrial machinery and raised three kids.

Neat stuff.

I am a jerk because I make fun of people behind their back. Germans are easy targets because they..well..they did something called the Holocaust but this guy didn’t. Hell, he married a Jewish woman and had a few tips on good living. Maybe I’ll soften my opinions on the next German that passes through the doors of the club.

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